so howd the 'mom i only play with condoms' conversation go?
If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
What time do you think the pilgrims started drinking? I want to be as accurate as possible.
He showed me a four inch blond hair that grows out of his side. He calls it his little ray of sunshine. Please come get me.
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
My first drink last night was a 2-liter of jameson and coke. So hung over it hurt to put my pants back on
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
At what point do you think my baptist preacher of a father will clue in that my brother "bringing a foreign exchange student" for thanksgiving means "bringing his european boyfriend and they'll probably fuck every night" for thanksgiving?
If I am telling you about the details of the shits I take I probably don't want to have sex with you. Probably.
So while you were living in this woman's apartment, you acquired a room mate, fucked her daughter, and killed her bunny. Worst sitter ever
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
I was proudly and successfully the first girl ever to get kicked out of a the bar for being too drunk last night. Loving spring break.
I smell like playdoh, sex, and ruined lives. I love the weekend
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
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