New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
When I was with my girlfriend I was averaging 1 random hookup a week. In the 2 months I've been single I haven't got any. I think I need her back.
sorry i couldnt make it to your birthday last night. i admit i chose being a whore over you.
czant get you from the arport. sry i found the rum. dan sucks at rumpong jusrt so yo knoqw.
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you started looking at my couch laughing and saying to it "she thinks I'm talking to you" then proceeded to laugh and talk to the couch some more.
I can't. I think his penis is about to take out a restraining order against me.
Paris has not been good for her. Everytime she has a one night stand from a different country, she buys a mini flag and tapes it to her wall with the others
Handcuffs are allowed in carry on luggage :) just checked
Dude are you wearing a trashbag right now?....
I seemed to have misplaced my pants...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
And all I ask is the occasional "welcome home from work" blowjob.....and for you to fold my laundry. I hate folding laundry
Tell them to carpool to pride, have a 3way, and if one says 'no thanks' just tell em it's not gay if it happened in a 3way!
It's been 12 hours since I have heard from you and social media has given me no indication you are anything but dead, so that's what I'm going with.
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
that's what I'm here for. I'm literally just bad advice mixed with motivational sentences.
a reward? ill think of something
if its not drugs or food I swear to god ill throw a fit
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