when you find your car can you pick me up? his mom is here and im hungover
I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
obviously my correlation between being a pro surfer and being extremely good in bed was 100% wrong.
Aside from the slim chance of pregnancy, I'm gonna call last night a raging success.
Yea, I had a chaperone thankfully. I'm in the fetal position attempting to eat captain crunch now.
Be proud. You give fat lesbians everywhere shower-nozzle worthy material for weeks on end.
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
I really dont wanna go to a traffic light party. I have nothing red to pretend I'm taken with. Without something red my "my girlfriend is away in the mines" story wont work.
I can't believe you guys got into a sword fight over a chicken nugget
Oh, so that's where all the scratches came from...
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
First morning at school this semester and I threw up in a bush during my walk of shame.
One sec I was having the time of my life, the next I was shitting water
Please tell me why we have been neighbors since elementary school and waited until the night before I moved to fuck.
The people above me are fucking to Miley Cyrus
Thank you for stopping me from getting a butt tattoo. That was a good call.
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