I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
You know, as long as there were ice cream breaks, I would totally eat chips for a living.
I need to find out who his wife is so I can fuck her before he gets to mine.
the guy i hooked up with is asleep on our couch. please dont fuck him.
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
Yeah. I realized I have a weakness for drugs and I need to move somewhere where I don't know how to find them.
He just told me the blow job I gave him was like a journey
I could really do without pictures of your asses in my inbox. That said, I'm extremely jealous that I wasn't involved.
It's not a real holiday until someone pees on you. Did someone pee on you?
I think once you know a guy's chest measurements the stalking has gone too far..
My buddy just got straight up kicked out of the bar on my bday for water boarding people with beer and bar towels
You could see the bone sticking out of his shin and he insisted he was "just gunna walk it off"
Funny story... I got into my car and my porn started playing over my Bluetooth.
Life lesson... stop having side pieces that know each other...ffs.
PSA Do not blow dry your junk.
Randomize
