i think my tv is drunk
3.50 mugs at the bar.
Nah man, im with an ugly chick. Im waiting til everyone's drunk enough tonight, they don't notice.
How ugly, and does she have friends?
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
Found a bar with a washer and dryer and they serve food. I never have to leave
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
Unlimited sex for unlimited netflix. I can deal with that. I think this is the first prostitution deal for netflix ever.
You're the third person who's asked me for an afternoon blow connection in one day. Unreal.
That's more of a you-issue than a me-issue
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
I gave him a blowjob to kill bill. 2 of my favorite things.
Ps he swallowed my earring last night so yeah
I'm so glad I can be everyone's guide to the world of fucked up kinks
i feel like a cleansing fire is the only way to purify the house
Dont you look at me in that tone of voice
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