Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
Down at cameli's and some homeless dude just pulled out a taser. Awesome.
Osama's death just kick started our Cinco de mayo celebration. Margaritas for anyone wearing red white and blue!
We simultaneously blacked out then simultaneously came to then simultaneously had sex with the neighbors. We're definitely meant to be roommates.
I mean nobody wants to admit they ate 9 cans of ravioli but i did and i am not ashamed of myself
it's graduation. he's gonna get congratulations slash emotional i cant believe youre leaving me sex.
He's grinding topless with a group of girls to that discovery channel song. May I take a message?
Too bad pet owners lack respect for my training in ancient Buddhist and holistic rehab therapies.
I'm not sure the Buddhist consider pot brownies holistic rehab therapy
He's listening to "my heart will go on" by himself in the living and its not even noon. MAKE IT STOP.
Well, I can mark "throwing up in a daycare bathroom due to a hangover" off my bucket list.
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
Your boobs are like a folk legend.
Truth. Though I have held steadfast to the notion while the rest of you wavered. I had faith in his homosexuality.
It's a classy one I promise! Their toilets are cushioned an tier wifi is named hummingbird
Everyone else's "needs" are getting in the way of my alcoholism.
Randomize
