Someone in my history class just FB messaged me saying they highly suggest I put my sunglasses on. He is sitting 18 rows in front of me...
I'd invite him but there's too many people who have fucked me going already
i was way too optimistic last night... got back to my apartment and the porch light was still on, like i'd actually make it all the way home.
It's a long way off yet but I've started planning my eviction party. Be prepared, it includes jungle juice.
Just found a pic on my phone of you on squatting on the hood of a police car about to take a dump. Care to explain what happened last night?
Oh my Christ. I just came so hard my penis stood back up and took a bow afterwards. I need Thai food.
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
You're a Heat fan? You lose any chance blowjob bc of your poor choice.
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
It's decided. Tomorrow I'm getting a Big Mac and a Dildo
We were too tired to finish having sex so we just stopped to eat the cheesecake and passed out. I didn't mind
69'd by candlelight when the power went out.
Pride log, day two. Noticing more bruises and scrapes. Liver functions probably very lowered.
Randomize
