Apparently throwing up on his dick didnt convince him to stay away . . . whats the most indirect way of saying "im just going to continue avoiding you"?
Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
chicago's viagra triangle is not unlike the bermuda triangle in thatt things just get lost...... planes, ships, dignity, virginity, etc.
Just saw a guy from Kansas and a guy from Nebraska arguing over who had less of an accent. God Bless the Midwest.
when he was about to finish he told me to avert my eyes and keep my lady parts away. chivalry isnt dead.
i just thought that perhaps i was done with the "boning on someone else's futon" stage of my life. guess not.
It was his first time doing shrooms and we made him ride in the truck bed. But he kept standing up and yelling when we stopped so we had to keep driving
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
It can't be easy when an alcoholic Russian is screaming to the entire dorm "he no get hard"
I'm determined to sit on that face.
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
No we were too stoned to stop you from wiping the peanut butter all over the car.
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
Randomize
