After last night, I could never be a politician.
Dude. No way. She insults the term butterface. She's a butternothing.
Hes the only one i know who can talk to a girl for an entire hour abuot the science in starwars and still get laid.
whoever brushed my teeth and whitened them while i was passed out, thanks.
If thou arrisest to consciousness before I, rise me to an office of alertness for occupations such as brunch. Warm Regards, your roommate.
we have to top last new years. except im not ready for jail. that can wait a couple years
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
Unfortunately, the Bilbo Baggins adventure side of me that likes to go on adventures appears to be losing to the side of me that likes to smoke weed in the bathtub and watch Workaholics.
I would sacrifice a finger for two more hours of sleep.
I apparently pulled his dick out at the bar and started yelling "DICK PICS IN REAL LIFE!"
You were giving me all the reasons why being the big spoon is such a responsibility, and how you wish you were a girl cause the little spoon does nothing
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
She moved all of her stuff out while we were gone. Shit in the toilet, and didn’t flush. So yeah it went well.
I wanted to make my beer stronger so I poured vodka in it. Why god....why
whenever dudes said you had nice tits you'd scream at them "This double push-up bra is full of deceit and lies!"
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