What are you doing?
High. Watching Billy Mays infomercials...
That guy could sell me cancer.
I just found out why they dont make table-dance tables out of glass.
Im so ripped right now that i just filled the almost empty bottle of choc syrup with milk and drank it straight out of the bottle. It was on pointttttt.
Somewhere along the night we ended up at a food lion giving jello shots to high school girls.
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
Normally I would go for him, but there's just way too much vodka under the bridge for that
I slept with someone shorter than me. My vagina weeps.
You fool.
"I'm in the bathroom. Only place I can sit and relax without that girl trying to give me a lap dance."
the other day i was so high i found pages and pages of pictures of HD hamburgers and patriotic music. bong rips for merica.
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
I want to preface this by saying nothing happened, nothing is on fire. It is mere speculation. Do we have a fire extinguisher?
I feel badly that he has cancer, but this does not mean I am obligated to have sex with him. Again.
I have a bad feeling I'm going to like this fuck buddy
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
He wouldn’t know a good thing if it bit him on the ass. Which, btw, I did.
Randomize
