She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
he said 'i want to be the peanut butter to your jelly, just without the crust' and then tried to take me shirt off
He was singing Will Smith Just the Two of Us to his burrito. That high.
The dry cleaners wouldn't even take our clothes. That's how bad of a night it was.
I'm on my way, but at some point we're going to have to settle who gave who crabs the last time
This is God's way of telling me He loves me and wants me to be a cocktease.
Go forth my daughter and give blue balls to all who may gaze upon your tits.
corona bottle fell out of my backpack and broke in the middle of my physics midterm. yay me.
When I don't want to forget things I put them on my cigs.
C smoking isn't all bad
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
His pick-up lines are quotes from Doctor Who. Of course I fucked him.
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
Man, that hitchhiker cursed me.
I thought I came here to hook up, not for a Study Abroad 101 session
Well the grass always *looks* greener on the other side but sometimes that’s bc there’s a sewage runoff...
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