My 3rd grade teacher, who was also my fav, thought i was in prison. That seriously upsets me.
I always wonder when I meet a guy from online if he needs a moment to mentally register and accept the size of my ass. maybe ill wear a dress.
we are cloud gazing and there is one that looks like a giant baby riding a dolphin and smoking a joint
i wish there was a reasonable explanation for why this reminds me of you
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
I have more bruises, scratches, and overall soreness from my birthday weekend than my car accident.
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
He's cheating on her.
Are you sure it wasn't her?
I have my glasses on, and as long as she didn't change her face in the past two months; its her.
I bought him bourbon as a thank you for his apology. What is wrong with me?
I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way.
he told me it was nice to see me not blacked out mumbling to myself in the front seat, I told him it was nice to see him not in handcuffs.
legit question. can i put a condom down our garbage disposal? my rents are coming over in 20
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
You will drink beer in a kiddie pool in your back yard but you wont bring a girl home
"hahahaha" is not a sufficient reply when I tell you my mother laughed at a joke about me giving blowjobs.
So I figured it out. There's two types of shitters. Moaners and grunters. And on occasion there's a third. It's the ill fabled grunt moaner.
Randomize
