Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
someone shit in a solo cup and left it at the base of the stairs. fuck orlando dude.
what part of covering your puke with shaving cream seemed like a good idea?
I used to practice getting hit by cars.
Let me make this really simple. We woke up this morning and fucked three times. When I got up and took a shower she cleaned up the mess from last night and did the dishes. Then we went out and she bought me brunch. I don't give a FUCK how much you don't like her.
Hows that studying goin for you?
I'm in my bathtub in a robe and jeans smoking a bowl and my hair is covered in olive oil
We found her on the doorstep. Just layin down going, "I made it home!! Aren't you proud??!"
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
If I ever see that bitch it is going down flavor of love style
Reports of my death were greatly exaggerated.
I want to get up and tell you that smells delicious but I'm struggling with the idea of pants
There is a special place in hell for people who only eat the center of the pot brownies.
He made me tacos after the sex. Best date ever!
Why the fuck is there a goat in the kitchen
I just feel like if we dated, he'd just be crying the entire relationship
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