my grandma just informed me that patrick swayze used to babysit my dads cousins why wasn't i informed of this early...like when i was obsessed with dirty dancing!
I'm pissed I'm finding this out at 24 bc i could have used this material to make friends
even my farts smell like vagina
i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
Just learned how to deliver a baby.the things i saw tonight can never be unseen
Drinking with birthday clown in the backyard shed at a 5 year olds birthday party at 12 in the afternoon. My life doesn't need any adjustments
Margaritas are 250 calories. Now measuring all food in margaritas
Do you remember puking up your retainer into the toilet and putting it right back in your mouth?
can you come back were all locked out and alyssia's still inside passed out on the floor but more importantly i left a beer in there that's not finished
We held a candle light vigil outside the jail hoping for her release, until we realized we were drunk in the jail parking lot.
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
For graduation he gave me roses, a giraffe necklace, and a butt plug. I think this might be my one shot at true love
because of daylight savings time I lost an hour of sex with an incredibly hot guy last night. thanks a lot farmers.
So I definitely tried to pay a cab with baseball tickets last night
I just shook glitter of my birth control packet so I’d say it’s safe to say it was a good weekend
He was eating me out on a picnic table on the frame lake trail and right after I came, a group of hikers walked around the corner. Stood up just in time
And this is one of the many reasons why you need a car.
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