Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
You look just like Jennifer Aniston on food.
I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
If she wasn't my friend I'd think she was a huge slut
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
That chick went from zero to shitshow in only 6 shots.
Going to a professional golf course at 2am to throw the flag poles like javelins
All you have to do is speak. Your voice reverberates strait to my vagina.
Well, I washed his beard with dish soap and then I fucked him three times.
I told her I was going to sleep early last night. I probably should not have sent that snapchat of us playing beer pong.
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
I might go bald with this hair pulling thing every night.
I'm sorry I couldn't bail you out, apparenty they dont take credit cards over the phone. Did you at least make any friends in jail?
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
Randomize
