I forgot to tell you. I'm at a porno shoot today.
So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
So theres a slight possibility i may not graduate according to planned because i was out getting laid instead of studying. And im okay with that.
His hospital is closing...I consider it "sorry you're losing your job" sex.
I mean, there was frosting being put on a tunafish sandwich. Pretty sure she knew we were high.
They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
Why were you eating a hot dog in the bathroom at 230 am?
My roommate was sleeping, I thought it would be rude
next time we make out at a concert please try to refrain from screaming out our hotel room number.. the amount of guys that knocked on our door after you passed out was ridiculous
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
Please tell me you're not playing strip poker with your cousins again
My walk of shame turned into having to get his dad to tow my best friends car out of the snowbank in his driveway
So high I legit spent 20mins in the shower just holding my tits cuz they feel bigger than normal.
She thought I was dancing but I just couldn't catch my balance for 11 blocks.
I begin to question your sobriety when you both left here shirtless, with beers in one hand and shotguns in the other
Randomize
