She left me a voicemail too. It's just her moaning her name repeatedly
ohhh no, absolutely not. i am waaayyy too superstitious to have sex with the self-proclaimed "baby-maker" on father's day...
He tried to say the picture wasn't him. Like I'd forget his curved boner.
No room in fridge, chilling wine in snow. Do NOT let the dog pee on it.
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
and the award for most disgusting thing ever done on my couch now officially goes to you! Congratulations, you won the couch...I can't even look at it anymore.
I hope the walls stop moving before my manager notices that i'm still drunk.
We should reintroduce naked Mondays
I mean it's not my fault he had a floor mat that read "put out or get out". What was I supposed to do?
I'd like to bring you 40 virgins and treasure chests of gold to make you feel better
Why the fuck is he under my phone as Papi Chulo?
I totally just pulled my thong out of my purse at the grocery store. Oops.
Was so high at one point last night that while showering I was worried that using too much hot water would slow down our Internet.
did you call me last night and say you were being kidnapped?
Do not let Mike show you his naughty Santa Claus outfit. It's a super long beard and crotchless pants.
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