Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
I mean this holiday was built on cheap beer, shitty whisky, and processed meat... and I fully plan to honor that
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
Someones grandma was rubbing my back. I'm way too high for this.
Wtf just happened. Thought you were in my bed since 3am, turned out I was sharing it w/a drunk girl from the 6th floor lounge...
I think we need to have a day of drinking in classes. I know we don't share any, but sacrifices need to be made.
We have a shopping cart in our front lawn. Also Mickey D's breakfast?
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
Let the clothes fall where they may.
Did you happen to find the other half of my bra last night?
You've got the chocolate, drugs and my pants. You hold all the cards...
Sooooooooooooo you woke up on a rooftop. Classy
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