I just wish we had the ability to download food from our TVs.
First day at work... I clogged up the office toilet on purpose to assert my dominance.
In retrospect, getting to second base BEFORE anal wouldve been a good idea
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
four guys that i have slept with have come into my job today. FOUR. i feel like it's like bring your sex partners to work day.
ill do whatever it takes for me to get more high and eat pie
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
Sorry for rubbing my feet on you and repeating "good pony, stay."
We didn't have sex because he locked himself in the bathroom and passed out while he was taking a shit. I cuddled with his cat.
He would have to make magical things happen in my nether regions to actually make me vote republican.
And literally 4loko margaritas are callin my name. They're like "Hey girl come on over here I'll make you forget about grades and boys and it'll be a good idea to send everyone 55 snapchats of your cleavage" ok
I'm at the point in my life where I'm gonna sell my eggs for cash
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
Banging to Billy Joel pandora is like russian roulette. But I made him cum to Let It Be so I we both walked away victors
You ran outside of the party to do the rain dance and swim in puddles
Randomize
