Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
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You're being dramatic. You can calm down, or you can piss off. Either way, I ate your burrito.
Someone took a picture of their balls on my phone last night. BEAUTIFUL PACKAGE. I will find this man.
Russell brand is gross. Everytime I see him I just wanna give him a bath. He's like a used condom.
I can't wait til I'm a real grown up and am no longer expected to take 7 shots of raspberry ruby as a pregame to a night of drinking natty lite
Didn't get carded at the bar. We're getting wasted and then walking over to Bass Pro Shops to watch the indoor ducks swim around. And possibly buying a tent.
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Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
the fact that you have a guy named the "i want you to tie me up and fuck me" guy speaks volumes about your life.
I'm going to avoid eye contact because my old high school English teacher is not who I feel like seeing after I just had a dick in my mouth
I have "if found please return to" written in sharpie on my arm, my uterus is rejecting everything, and I have hickies. I must actually be an 18 year old piece of shit girl instead of a responsible 23 year old
She's sent me the same nudes using the same gestures and positions... It's like she has a template for her sluty-ness
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
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