I just saw the girl you left with - Chris Hansen's looking for you
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
positive spin of the day: since my nose is blocked from allergies cleaning the puke this morning was much easier
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
The family from the blindsided came and talked to us last night. The dad owns 68 taco bells. You would have been so inspired
I am soup sandwich. I have been at dAnce party
He was the drug dealer that jumped out of his car to get my number
My roommate made me go home after I mooed at fat girls at the gas station.
His balls looked like two miss shaped chicken nuggets
lesson learned.. dressing up like a naughty teacher doesn't mean you can get away with spanking a cop with a ruler for being "fresh" with you
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
I need a good cry or an orgasm and neither of them are gonna happen to me and i'm so frustrated
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
My law teacher drew an elephant on the board in class. I was so high that I laughed for 5 minutes straight. Nobody else laughed and everyone stared. 130 people knew I was high.
Randomize
