Was i wearing a white blazer when you superpoke danced me??
Its a bunch of hippies dancing in front of a stobe light. For ten dollars I could have gone to the strip club and at least had a lap dance
I just had a dude tell me how he got fired from friendly's for tripping a kid and followed the story with "If i'm gonna do it, I do it big."
he thought i was passed out so he proceeded to jerk off while i lay on the floor next to him
This adderall has me convinced I'm an Econ major.
Well the weddings in 4 days so I already got the eightball lined up and the wii fit all warmed up. Still wanna bet I wont lose 20 pounds by the wedding?
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
There are more dirty dishes in my bed then in the kitchen. Have I lost at life?
He was jealous of me and threatened by me. I'm like, just cause I could fuck your girlfriend doesn't mean I'm going to
She's not even my type. She doesn't have a penis or a drug problem
Can I just keep holy water in the night stand next to the vibrator?
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
I'm like, not good at living.
I cut him off because he was changing my thermostat every time he came over
You made the right decision
True life: I got so drunk that i took a shower with my clothes on at 4 am...
Randomize
