Just bonged a beer from a vuvuzela...this place is only doing good for me
Somehow I feel more guilty using her razor then I do having sex with her boyfriend...
I feel like you pissing on my ping pong table isn't something to be proud of.
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
Just stuck all that extra cocaine money we made in a savings account...like a responsible adult..
Dude if I call tonight please answer and just say "NO, dont do it."
BAT SHIT CRAZY
It's you're fault, even though I never called
It's like everything I need in life within a five block radius: booze, toilets, dogs, dicks.
And I made some girl take out the trash, load and unload the dishwasher, swifter, and clean the counters. So don't act like I don't do anything.
i just need to find someone who enjoys eating frozen waffles as much as I do. It will be perfect.
I just watched a porn called gay of thrones and I think I've reached a new low in my life
Apparently today is power bottom appreciation day
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
MDMA, margaritas, mashed potatoes and ice cream aren't keto Kristin
you would not believe who i just fucked on my lunch break
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
