Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
so i did it. i barked while i was ejaculating. not a word was said by either of us afterwards.
so how much did i say i owed you?
$5 and a new fuck buddy.
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
Only time i ever look at my online banking statement is to see when i left the bar.
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We're sitting in his room writing songs about America. There's a verse about a dead dog. There's tequila everywhere.
Also, I don't remember opening my gifts from my family. It was cool when I woke up with a new ihome.
she said I was laying next to a garbage can in the subway doing key bumps and screaming "its my fucking birthday" repeatedly
Just got my first unemployment direct deposit!!!' celebrating at the beach
Me toooooo!! Margaritas
I never knew being a drain on a functioning society would feel so good
Putting a breathalyzer in a bar is a horrible idea. But I won
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Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
I don't know what you slipped me, but my TV is vomming blood right now. Thanks, jerkoff.
Hey! you should come over!
Who is this? The number is saved as "Sexy Awesome"
sam was dropping a deuce next to me. wrote me a note that said "glad we shared this experience." passed it under the wrong stall. the other guy picked it up. that's all I know so far.
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
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