i just google searched "what time does taco bell open"
I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
He just walked into my room in a robe with a cooking pot of cereal.
I left two shots of jager for you guys when you wake up from your death. Do with it as you wish
malibu coconut giveth, and malibu coconut taketh away
My Valentine's Day plans just drastically changed... My F buddy just ran into my gf...in my driveway.
Also I just had a flash back ... He told me I have nice nipples and then asked me about yours..
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
he has the ass of a greek god and he made me breakfast
I may or may not be setting up an encounter with a foot fetishist just because I'm curious.
If so I'm coming over there. There's no way I'm having "hello, how are you" conversations with my neighbors on acid
Imma go take shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
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