one should ask oneself what kind of lifestyle one is leading when one finds a handprint of semen on their pillow the next day.
Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
All she said was "the usual?" and unzipped my pants.
Do you remember anything yesterday that led to needing a cup of couscous in my closet?
I don't want to have to force feed him my vagina!!
she is legit wearing a plastic bag around her neck as a necklace. she says it serves two purposes.
So you met him?
More like I walked in on him, drunk, naked, and doing "bathtub yoga". Please stop bringing your dates home.
we left the music on while we were fucking. some kanye west song started playing and he started to cry
My roomate had an hour long melt down about her life choices not realizing I was in the middle of having sex... So yea it went pretty horribly.
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
a guy offered me a piece of pizza if I'd make out with a random girl. We got the whole damn box and I ain't even mad
I just set my mike's hard down and didn't want it to spill, so I held my finger up and told it to shoosh. I'm drunk.
Yah. I'm gonna lay you down and feed you grapes, except I'm gonna replace grapes for my balls
Come on in. I'm butt naked, in the kitchen, eating ice pops
dad says come back and get the lawn mower out of the pool before mom gets home
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