You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
you told his mom that the only thing he wants for christmas is his dick in your mouth
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
Are we playing "how much awkwardness can we fit in the final 29 hours of 2011"?
yes yes we are. Go do something with super glue. i don't want to win.
8===D
That's the bat signal to come over and fuck me.
Sorry I just took 4 pills about 20 minutes ago so I'm feeling like a claw machine like people tell me were I need to go and what to do and I'm just like yes sir so I get the teddy bear but I set it on fire and it's kinda black on one side and there might be smoke coming off it.
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
We could get her a gift basket of Xanax l
Will keep you updated on the sexual orientation of my new guy
Snow days are when you really appreciate that your neighbor is on your bang roster.
He's talking about feelings now. I don't even know if he came???
I made him leave to get me chicken nuggets so I could have sex with his roommate
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
I really want to stop getting this drunk. I've got the Sunday scaries and it's only Saturday
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