you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
We stole some shitttt from king sooper's. fuck yeaaa
what did you steal
frozen pizza, cat litter, and preperation H. not much different than my usual grocery list.
i wonder what megan fox's vagina feels like.
Heaven soaked bacon.
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
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It'll be a romanticized airport meeting until I'm judged for sitting on his face in the terminal
Is it just me, or do you see your penis in that hand?
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
I feel like it could help stop wars and begin world peace and the continents can unite for one Monday because chicken fries come back today
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The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
I am mildly hung over. Decided pants are very unnecessary right now.
You literally snort drugs up your nose and you’re questioning the brand of the multivitamin right now?
i have a serious question for you... Why I am i not wearing any pants?
Last night was fun. Sorry I slipped out before you woke up
Also, your parents get up REALLY early. Please thank them for the bagel and travel mug of coffee. Happy Thanksgiving!
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