it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
the way i see it, im about one adderall binge away from graduating
I drunk madeout with my mom last night. it's guna be an awkward breakfast.
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
I told you, I don't give a SHIT about their music. I JUST. WANT. TO FUCK. THE BASSIST.
Sometimes you get drunk and fall out of a car. I never said it was glamorous.
You know what, don't even answer. Just promise me you'll go to the Corner of Shame when you get home.
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
Why do I think he'd like to keep my hair in a box?
Well I just had a 45 minute conversation with a lady who was drunk off her ass complaining about how her 3 sons won't talk to her anymore. No more dive bars.
I was at a crossroads, dude. Like, do I wanna eat chicken McNuggets or talk about my feelings?
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
Can we climb Your roof?
No bitch its 2am go home.
I legit measured his penis against my chapstick and it was too close to call. So that was my night.
skipped tacos for a blowjob. No tacos. No blowjob. More importantly...no tacos. Wtf?
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