He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
It was awkward until we both realized our obsessions with harry potter and sangrias were the same. Now were in love.
You need tk get a life and stop texting me about fictional characters. I don't give a shit.
Is today national text-a-girl-whose-had-your-dick-in-her-mouth day and I just wasn't aware?? I am getting the most random "just saying hey" texts ever and that's the only common denominator.
I'm making tacos. Give me one good reason why we shouldn't be high while eating those tacos.
Yes theres a double standard. Get over it. Fuck the critics and go be the slut you were born to be
I guess I really am the only person in this world who can successfully have a no-strings-attached threesome on the beach.
Mcdonalds hasn't even finished serving breakfast yet and u two are getting drunk?
Peanut butter balls.
IF YOU EVEN COME NEAR MY BALLS AGAIN I SWEAR TO GOD
Basically taped my dick down because it's too obvious in this costume...
I'm sitting in the shotgun seat of my car on full recline trying to pretend everything is ok
Had sex in a blanket fort. How was your weekend?
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
Wanna guess where my charger was last night.....in my cooler with my beer. I put it in there because I knew I would never forget my beer.
So do I get points for screwing my recently single ex boyfriend and then telling him to go fight for his ex back?
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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