he proceeded to punch 3 mailboxes in a row and when i asked him why, he said "because they were talking shit"... i need a new boyfriend. and a new life.
I thanked her for the handjob she gave me in the middle of the night. She had no idea what i was talking about. I think she sleep-jerked-me-off. Im def sleeping over tonight too
Walked by a shop giving away free donuts this morning. Best walk of shame ever
I need to sleep with 3 more guys by midnight to meet my 2010 resolution..
Does the blue bra belong to your sister or cousin?
We made out for three hours. Then she said she didn't sleep with redheads and left the party. So yes, I'm still drinking.
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
why is my new profile picture on Facebook one of me with a bunch of strangers on an elevator?
Wearing the flip cup varsity team sweatshirt was the best descision of my life.
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
I want a MapMyFart App, where I can mark every spot where I have ripped one. Like here.
I'm tempted to randomly yell out 'SO HOW IS YOUR UNDERAGE GIRLFRIEND' but that would be callous
Omg drank too much. Threw up in my Santa hat on the train and then of course it leaked all over me.
Did I turn a man straight...??
Yes!
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
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