Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
At Bonnaroo. Just saw a couple emerge from a port-a-potty. Romantic?
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
a stripper queefed in my friends mouth last night and it reminded me of you. miss you
i tried to hook up with a mom and then her husband came with num chucks
I'm glad my gym is open 24 hours..I stopped in on my way home to puke from the bar
Another one? Damn, how many David's is that?
six.
Oh, I thought it was higher.
No, that would be the Matt's
I had to hold off a girl who was trying to check your pulse while you were passed out. She kept screaming that she was a nursing major and needed to make sure you were alive.
I kinda wanna eat your hands right now.
Put down the everclear and go to bed.
i woke up and saw you were brushing his hair naked. I can never pass out around you, man.
It feels kinda weird thanking you for sucking my dick, but I just don't know what else to do right now
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
I really should have gone with the man who kept offering me cocaine. Why did I chose the German!? STUPID!
Can we climb Your roof?
No bitch its 2am go home.
when the cops came she just started yelling at them "Fuck the police! freedom of speech bitches!"
Randomize
