i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
my 12 year old sister just told me how admirable it was that i felt comfortable going out with my friends dressed "like that"
just went trash diving in my work clothes for weed. A&E's intervention here i come.
The extent of my physical activity is running from the cops.
it was a frathouse cornucopia of foul mixed drinks and "sangria", which im convinced was blood and pcp
I told her shower beers are even better when you have someone in there with you and she said she's been looking for a new drinking buddy. It's a goooooo
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
WTF moment this morning: we were getting ready to leave and he reaches under his mattress to pull out his gun. All I could do was look at him and go "really?!"
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
My poor liver. I drank enough on NYE to sustain an alcohol addiction for the entirety of 2015.
She has an alarming number of pictures with cat ears but the sex is amazing.
I ate her out and told her she tasted like pumpkin pie. She screamed that she hated pumpkins and started to cry
There is a sex dungeon behind the wine cellar. This is why I hate showing foreclosures.
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