oh my god im such an asshole. i just asked the guitarist of bad religion if he was a scalper.
you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
Fact: Telling a guy he has erectile dysfunction doesn't solve the problem.
im afraid if i stop breathing i will turn into a porcupine
Got my bloodwork back and my liver is in tip top shape. Apparently blacking out 5 nights a week isn't cutting it, so we've got to step it up until I see that all of my hard work is actually paying off and doing some damage.
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
Guess who woke up with a hangover this morning? The same person whose parents found out and woke her up by banging pots and pans with wooden spoons.
i know you're upset so i should probs be supportive but i've got nothing in that department. your life suuuuucks
Side note: the physics of a guy my size and age getting laid in the backseat of a Toyota Camry are absolutely staggering
I was originally going to go as fembot from Austin Powers
I wanted to have tiny guns for tits
Did you survive the Atlanta roadway snowpocalypse?
All the bars are closed. Might as well be dead.
I almost tased myself
I dont think you should own that device.
It's an awesome device. I love this device.
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
He's eating me out right now. That's how bad he is.
Randomize
