the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
I can't be held responsible for my own vagina. Let's just be honest here.
I need a picture of your dick for my friends birthday card
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
the cashier ate half of our fries before she gave them to us so i think it's safe to say they don't do drug testing there
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
Wore a burger king crown while giving head still drunk this morning #blessed
Now with the essential back story, I can empathize. Sorry about your beer and butthole.
Sometimes at I wake up from a dead sleep at 1am and call the bar just to hear the clink of the glasses and the pouring of the beer on tap in the backround
I think my biggest regret in life is not banging you in the science museum
Sitting in a waiting room with 15 children has me contemplating if I ever want to have sex again...
I just want him to hold me after a bad midterm. Is that even too much to ask for after sleeping with him twice?
the girls would appreciate it if you invited over some drunk, single, straight men with low standards.
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
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