You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
I popped a zit on your vagina. Don't say I never loved you.
i was staring at it trying to desperately see a vagina
Fuck it dude, we gotta bounce before she starts talking about her steve irwin conspiracy
I just canoed to the bar. I am a skilled drunk paddler.
We fucked in your water heater closet. Told you we'd try everywhere.
Do not buy whiskey under any circumstances. There should be a UN sanctioned buffer zone between me and Seagrams.
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
Well I guess I'll go shower now and wash all the stripper off.
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
I've decided to take one for the team and bang the landlady for lower rent.
a guy messaged me on POF to ask if I knew of any places that were hiring. And was being completely deadass serious. I'm so done
It's a sad day when you're not really phased by the McChicken video only because you've seen weirder porn.
you were on all fours in the front yard puking, but managed to hand the pizza delivery guy a beer and to have a nice day.
Dude, I'm pretty sure I just drank iced tea last night and yet I'm still hungover. What the fuck is my body anymore ?
Randomize
