I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
Well, I guess this was as good a night as any to find out I don't know how to use my fire extinguisher.
I just found pie in my hoodie pocket... This break needs to end.
Oh, and thanks to you. I'm now stuck in the living room, held hostage, listening to my roommate's "How I discovered I was bi" story. FUCK YOU.
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I was about to smoke a bunch of weed and lay naked while I cried all day
im at work. we just had a random 14-year-old amish girl come in and gift us with cinnamon rolls as thanks for letting her use the bathroom. i dont even know.
I was thinking more like a "sorry you can hear us, but I'm having the best sex of my life" cake
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
I'm just chillin on the bathroom floor
Haha oh no
The bathroom floor is like my second bedroom on the weekends
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Did u know it's unconstitutional to turn down a shot during 4th of July celebrations.. Rest now dear liver
Pedi-lyte stocked
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
Like actually I will be single and sad and lonely for ever. Cheese will be my life partner. Robot sex is my future.
All you need is a handful of lube and an open mind
Hiking for a first date sounded like a good idea in theory because there was absolutely no possibility of me blacking out. In practice, I'd rather black out than go through what I just went through.
low point of the night : a cop just busted out laughing at me.
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