note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
Before he took my jeans off all he said was "no hard feelings from middle school right?"
He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
He told me the hand job I gave him this morning was "lovely".
I offered to go to AA with him...not because I am admitting I have a problem but because I want to see what they are saying about people like us.
I felt like a dog for all the times during sex that he said "good girl"
You were pretty dunk by the time you introduced the vase as your best friend.
Oh wait looks like my cousin is getting deported THERE'S HOPE FOR THIS CHRISTMAS YET
Its like the two hemispheres of my brain are in a death match but are two evenly matched for either side to win kinda drunk.
And to add, there was a fat guy right next to me who, when the girls would shake their butts, he would let out a shrill xena warrior princess cheer
I hope Team Snapchat has been enjoying our sex snaps all this week.
Well you should have thought of that before you were reckless with your butt
I need to be put in a corner surrounded by pamphlets of stds and babies
Wow. I want to climb Santa. You've made my mind go places I wasn't prepared to explore.
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