Don't be scared. It'll feel very good. And you'll be clean afterwards. I'm growling right now.
this coming from the guy that still thinks "pulling out" is a good form of birth control? just walk away
I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
I'm pretty sure this isn't my phone, but I do like these nude pics
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
There are paw prints all over my ceiling.
I can't even look at my running shoes. I swear I drank more in the last 2 days than the last 6 months combined
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
So he says to my dad "I'll pull out of your daughter but I'm not going to apologize". Yea, my night was fun.
I resisted the urge to announce that it looks like a big crystal butt plug
The fact that it neither of us came up with the reason of "it's morally and ethically wrong" speaks volumes about this relationship
I just want to drink cheap wine and throw my bra at an aging singer songwriter
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
What is the acceptable way to offer a trade of sex for a few hours of body heat?
The only thing I remember about us having sex is yelling at him to choke me.
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