hahahahaha your sister just walked down from the guest house with a stain on the front of her shirt and "owned" written in blue sharpie on her forehead. i dont think she knows what happened last night either.
He fucked a visibly pregnant girl. It doesn't get weirder than that.
I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
Sometimes I send them texts like "I want to make you cry and lick up your tears" just to fuck with them. And THAT is how you get rid of a Stage 5 clinger.
Maybe shotgunning 4 days after oral surgery wasn't such a good idea after all...
You came in as I got off work, ordered us jack and cokes. Put them on my tab, and then proceeded to fall asleep on the bar.
This theraflu would make for a great margarita.
I can make a sudafedarita
Did strip banana grams actually happen last night
Don't feel bad sweetie, you're not the only classy one in town. I'm still driving around with that tupperware of tequila in my cup holder from last week's Margarita Monday.
Trumps. I've been wiping my ass with fast food napkins for 3 days.
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
I mean it's like...I'm sorry I slept with your boyfriend but is it my fault that he failed to mention you when I was giving him head in the Dave and Busters bathroom?
There is so much wrong with that sentence
Yeah there really shouldn't be a bar at D&B's...shit gets real
Will u make me a "6 month anniversary of being single" cake??? I wanna celebrate
Came out of blackout state to the curtains torn down & the headboard laid on top of him. & yes he was still breathing
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
Randomize
