I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
I woke up hungover and opened my laptop to find that i had googled alcoholism again
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
I cannot believe I said bareback movement...
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
too late I already started a fight with someone named luscious
You pissed off the back deck while listening to the national anthem from your phone screaming America Fuck Yea to my neighbors
I feel like Jeremy snapchattong while we're fucking is a perfect example of our generation..
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
I apologize in advance for the number of sex toys drying on the bathroom sink.
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
I don't WANT a sex disease! Especially one assigned to me by my supervisor..
He started talking about getting a puppy together. So of course I went down on him later
It was like Lady and the Tramp, but just tramp and the tramp. And instead of spaghetti and meatballs, we had whiskey and cups
Put on your bikini and meet me at the pool \nit’s cock o’clock!
Randomize
