Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
Maybe someone other than the mad hatter should have gone with him to the ER
I think it's a friendship ring and the other part is on his cats collar
The strippers from this weekend suck at words with friends
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Her throat is strong enough to gargle peanut butter. I'm sure you were satisfied.
He is just a personification of a vodka hangover.
Yes. Sex with questionable women, and made of potatoes.
Just asked my roommate if she needs one of my old pill bottles to hold her weed during our move tomorrow. What has grad school done to me?
Some guy just ordered at Cosmo and 2 screwdrivers in the sky club at 8:30 am. I'm starting to feel a lot better about my alcoholism
That's why you need to have them together. Katie started crying on the couch and she just gave her a tube of crackers and picked up a beer at the same time. She's like a goddess of making things chill
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You know you are high when you are so glad it wasn't your freshly buttered raisin bread that fell on your foot. It was your $400 Ipod
I feel a little uneasy about having my grandma sleep in my bed that I've banged chicks in not too long ago... Fuckin blizzards
Took my plan b at Costco today, sample Sunday for the win.
I think he fucked my hip out of place.
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
He said he loved me more than Kel loves orange soda
the result of growing up in the '90's
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