i wish starbucks made bloody marys
he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
Wow... that's disturbing man, and their not even my balls
My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
There's just something about a dollar tree pregnancy test that screams THIS WASNT PLANNED!
i think my love is proven by the fact that i still want to have sex with you after this conversation
not much sitting here stoned eating my little sisters halloween candy and judging each individual hersheys candy bar and after much deliberation by the selection committee the original hersheys chocolate bar won
I just found out my college boyfriend's nickname is actually a Dutch word for little cucumber.....it all makes sense now.
It's that moment where you find out the girl you've been dating for 6 months is a mob daughter. Post breakup.
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
Then while I was crying on his shoulder, he got a boner. Soo. I kinda just hopped on.
Reminding you of hookups your brain is trying to suppress. That's what friends are fooooooooor...
I'm more heavily invested in that tequila than you are
It's going to turn into you and me throwing down in a devastating lip-synch battle while everyone else stands around awkwardly.
Randomize
