I'm at a Mexican Walmart. Wish you were here.
I bought the love spell lotion from victoria secret so it atleast smells like a girl is present while I'm masturbating
You were hopping up and down because you wanted only his strongest sperms to make it to the egg.
Darwin at his finest.
not only did i soak my thesis by spilling celebratory shots on it, but i also stained it with lipstick making it obvious i tried to drink the vodka off it......dgaf, worth it.
This is absurd. I need a man. Or even a moderately-clean hobo will do at this point.
Sober me does NOT approve of what went on in my pants last night.
I was standing when I hit it. I barely made it to the couch before the walls started turning into people.
I felt guilty, it was so good!
Guilty? Oh great, I give the Jewish mother-in-law of blowjobs.
you and him went to the park at 2am to "catch a pigeon" and ACTUALLY CAME BACK WITH A PIGEON
I had to hypnotize my roommate last night so there's that.
She was about to leave with you until you started singing "You Hoes Ain't Loyal" in her face
He fell asleep cradling my ass and every time I moved he adjusted his hand accordingly. I've found the one.
so like what it comes down to is do I wanna look like a boss ass bitch or do I wanna masturbate.
god i just can't wait for finals to end so i can just masturbate all day and night
You're just upset because I have cupcakes and boobs and you don't.
Randomize
