after last night i think it would be a good idea if i wrote a will... you know, just in case.
i need to break up with him. i realized this while i was making a mental grocery list while we were having sex. this is not the first time i've done that.
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
my dad's beating me at drinking again. No matter what i do I can't win.
you act like breakfast cereal isnt an entirely appropriate chaser
he handed me my panties in front of my date. turns out he wasn't that mad.
This would be a good time for the don't get drunk and bang a married chick pep talk...
Oh you have a half-brother? Why that's right up my alley! Let's cause family strife
Tearing families apart since 2011.
I don't know what it was about last night, but every bar that i went to there was at least one girl there that i had done something with. I'm sure the girl that i went with knew because they all grabbed my penis and told me to call them.
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
Theres a point where you stop and say hey....as high as I am on LSD right now ...I`m just a man covered in paint
I manage to fit my wine bottle in my koozie and the rest is history
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
I gave him a handjob in the uber car. Life is really spiraling downwards.
He's going to be in the air guitar championships in june. Need I say more.
Randomize
