my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
I've decided that my new worst fear is that I'll end up on "I Didn't Know I was Pregnant"
Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar
i wish it would rain vodka just once. i have not puked yet bring it on
I was cracked out naked on a toilet pretending I was posing for playboy.. Shit got weird, but apparently I had a good bday.
I NEED YOU TO TELL ME ITS OKAY TO BE THIS HIGH
Yes
O.K.
I learn from experience and I experienced what it would be like to completely lose my mind and then wake up with a stab wound.
You don't know commitment until you try and waterproof a non-waterproof vibrator
I would love a rich wife. Then I would be like a gym teacher or some shit. Bigfoot hunter maybe.
It looks like a baby bear tried to chew off my nipples.
Please note that in response to your post about your dog's jaws clamped hard around a stick, I did not comment, "Takes after his dad." You're welcome.
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
I'm now using my vagina for good, not evil. Trying to restore balance to the force.
gave out my moms phone number instead of mine last night... thattttttttttttttt dunk.
You drank whiskey for 9 hours and did not eat anything.Nothing good was going to come from that.
Randomize
