so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
Sundresses, hats, and big glasses. That is the greatest trick the devil ever taught women.
The only comparison I have for the iPhone is that it's like youre constantly getting a blow job
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
I'm wearing cowboy boots and showing way too much cleavage to be in a place with no jaeger.
He just lit his joint with the tiki torches around his pool. He is definitely coming to my future parties
how many lesbians have to have their hearts broken before they realise I am not that kind of DJ
How do you tell someone who's buying a pregnancy test to have a nice day .... Like how
Most men with as many freckles as you aren't vagina magnets. You are an exception to your kind.
I've just informed her that you've voted her Chief-Adult-In-Charge-Of-Shit and that she will take the oath of office on Fri Dec 14th at 8 pm with her hand on a bottle of Jager.
There are no female cereal mascots. I just realized that in my drunken state... So sexist...
In the future, could you not call me 'bro' while we're having sex?
Interesting. All i can really say is humanoid shaped doritos bags melting very slowly
I just split a tacobell party box with my boss. 12 tacos. We were equals for a moment.
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