I'm so bored and have no one to sexy text
i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
i paused nhl 10 while i jerked off and it was like a crowd was cheering me on
i just heard someone have an orgasm and then throw up through the vent in my room.
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
you're being fucking weird and i don't like it. text me when you're not being the after picture on a poster for rehab
Peanut butter balls.
IF YOU EVEN COME NEAR MY BALLS AGAIN I SWEAR TO GOD
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
That's why we don't trade sex for Taco Bell. It's called the dollar menu.
I remember saying to him "Fun fact! If you lie this way it's easier to deep throat!" I even judge me.
as he was bent over the toilet, he turned to me and said "barbarian kyle is much stronger than regular kyle" and then went right back to puking.
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
I just want to smoke this blunt and eat pizza rolls while watching The Price Is Right with you.
So, random question. How much should you tip a Lyft driver when you realized you've fucked his sister? Asking for a friend.
Randomize
