how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
So he thought it would be a nice gesture to show me his list of girls he fucked. There was 70. We then went through and put "V"'s next to all the ones that were virgins...
i am doomed to only fuck guys with curved cocks
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
Why is the word 'best' written on my chest?!!
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
We just did a shot to "getting laid in the bar bathroom". I love where this thursday is headed
Why are you seriouly talking to me about this when there naked pics of blake lively on the internet? Priorities man...
hey watch out, they threw flour on everyone who passed out at their party last year.
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
I think it's time for a new pick up line. So far my " hey you want to go back to my place, order a pizza and fuck?" Has set me at an all time low downtown 0/4
He told me to take off work and bring a bathing suit. If this doesn't involve six flags hurricane harbor or sex in a hotel pool I'm going to be disappointed.
OMG I WAS JUST THINKING ABOUT HOW OUR FRIENDSHIP IS SO REAL BECAUSE I SHOW YOU DICK PICS AND WE LAUGH TOGETHER.
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
Fucking adderall I just talked at the security guard for 90 minutes
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