I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
yeah i just made her a character on oregon trail and i hope she gets dysentry and dies. that'll show her.
I apologize in advance for attempting to drunkenly hookup with your sister
he proceeded to grab my vagina through my leggings in the middle of the dance floor. strangely enough I was okay with it
then she kicked a hole in her own door and the next thing you know, brian's walking up to her room with power tools. in no condition to use them
It was a taxi full of fist pumps and chanting to "face down, ass up". It was that 1% that makes my job worth it.
Welcome to the south, dude. Gives the phrase "I wish you a dry ass" a new perspective.
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
I came in and she was laying on the ground just stoking it saying "the floor is where our feet step"
The bartender charged us for drinks. Life is different.
Well I'm missing half a toenail if that's any indication of my night
Your boobs stole my birthday thunder!
Also, I don't know if it's the drugs I'm on or not, but I truly believe I was hypnotized last night listening to an audio book.
Lol I'm not having group sex with you, that apron is fuckin awesome tho
Just threw up in the trash can at my desk. I guess "beating the hangover" eventually leads to this.
Randomize
