I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
I actually told the people in the movie theatre to give me a cup and I would dip water from the toilet before I paid $4.50 for a bottle of water.
We learned about herpes today in bio. I might as well have given the lecture
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
Sitting in the library studying = googling how to get laid in the library.
are you still mad that doritos made their way into my sex life
.....a litte
Dude, it could be so much worse. That Dale kid lost a toe I think.
We need to be on the same page regarding the 3some this time. No more "one of us should probably leave" moments.
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
Yea we just broke up
so do we start sexting now or later?
Well if I can't snuggle you, I might as well snuggle a stranger's cat.
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
I accidentally sent my mom a nude picture of my ass... she replied with how did you get that angle ?
He was cute in a Sketchy-trying-to-sell-you-a-vaccum-at-9-at-night kinda way.
He jerked off some dude with a slice of Wonder Bread.
The sports guy?
Yeah. They claimed the bread made it hetero
Randomize
