If I was on drugs, this would be amazing
I decided to name her "day after thanksgiving" because I am sure I just got someone elses leftovers.
He needs a high five right to the fucking mouth. With a chair. Or an atomic bomb.
the evidence from last night is not good...
what evidence?
my underwear is on inside out, and there are french fries in my hair...
Just saw a drunk bitch in the west village peeing on a car. You are not alone.
My attempts to make you laugh have failed exceedingly. Naked snap chats it is
It was all good till you had ppl chasin shots of ciroc with fucking applesauce
Oddly enough, the sex change dream i had made me miss you more.
its gotten to the point where if her hand isn't on my butt i think we're in a fight
My dad's girlfriend is driving through the snow to bring me my purple haze. If he doesn't wife her up, we have a bigger issue on our hands.
It's not above me to sleep with him solely for his authentic budweiser shirt
After you punched me you ran away and it took an hour to find you... On the wrong floor... Sitting alone saying "it doesnt make sense"
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
She puked on the floor because she said she really liked to clean.
Randomize
