Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
i just had sex with a fat kid who giggles when he cums. tequila really lowers my standards.
We went into lab today and when no one was looking i touched our cadaver's penis!
Had her hockey skates on in the house. Whole floor is ruined.
i just got yelled at for having sex. this sorority thing is worst than being at home. at least at home they think im still a virgin
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
I'm gonna chug this bud light an might injure this high school penis, like I'm 17 again
I'm at the point in my life where I'm gonna sell my eggs for cash
I'm disgusted with myself. I feel like I need 10 boxes of Summer's Eve and a baptism.
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
Foreplay went from me being a bank teller and him a customer to us actually having to go to the bank so we would make rent
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
Ohhhhhh, that night......I need to stop drinking, almost all of my conversations that take place Wed thru Sun after 8:30 are one blurry haze.
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