a smallpox vaccine scar is like a lower back tattoo.
I told him I had my daily dose of vitamin c so i wouldn't blow him
That explains waking up with one hand in the toilet and the other in the trash can
its officail im naming my first born child brickbreaker
I've never seen a homeless man jog to get off the bus and then run to his panhandling spot because he's "late for work," but you see something new every day.
I had to photo shop your nipple piercings. that was extremely awkward.
I am wrecking havoc on the skinny girls by going home with the big one. She is taking me to see her dog now.
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
Maybe there is a secret pocket full of cocaine in that spiderman wallet.
ask me again when I'm sobewr aka tuesday
You ran out of his house yelling "I got the goods!" Then you pulled toilet paper rolls out from under your shirt.
he made me cum so hard i had an asthma attack
it's not rock bottom until you fall down an escalator on the way home from a hookup and have to have you dad come pick your drunkass up at 3am. Adulthood.
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
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