Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
He was actually able to throw up in the bucket from the top bunk. im impressed.
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
He ate me out like a beaver on a tree. I've never been so scared in my life
Please be advised that because of last year's "incident" we will no be starting St. Pat's day with spicy breakfast burritos and car bombs. Please plan accordingly.
I'm working on finding a bottomless situation. Both pants and mimosas.
So I'm sitting here baked on a bridge thinking about how plants think, I miss you so much
Might call you tomorrow on a drunken hate filled rant, or just a normal hate filled rant, either way be ready.
also. got fucked to usher last night. dunno if thats a new high or a new low
Was it at least a good usher song?
I balled in the shower for 20 minutes, rolled up to the meeting late looking like a gremlin, and my one night stand was standing there in a suit
It was probably the night you were half naked and trying to blow everybody, guy or girl.
this is me we're talking about here. You're going to have to be more specific than that.
I wanted to make my beer stronger so I poured vodka in it. Why god....why
I. Am. Not. Tattooing. My. Penis.
She dry humped my leg in the raw while I was still dressed, came, and then fell asleep on top of me. All I got was a bruised thigh. 2020 needs to end.
Randomize
