Umm went to talk to a client ended up seeing his semi erect penis. This is my life.
Hes still not moving. At what point does 'hungover' become 'hospital-time?'
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
I don't understand why your family and sex lives should EVER overlap.
Nobody knows who they are, but they have an ice luge so they are welcome in my book
let me just inform you that suppository-ing xanax is glorious
Dude. Went to buy some jack and sailor Jerry, when the guy at the counter realized it was my birthday everybody in the store including the stoners and the elderly sang to me. Then they gave me shots of moonshine. 21st bday was a success
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
A girl just invited me over for a blowjob and beer. Is this a trap?
I don't know what to do about my nipple.
HE MIGHT HAVE YOUR BUTTHOLE, BUT HE CANT HAVE YOUR HEART. THATS MINE.
Your Vodka Saturday privileges have been reduced to Beer until you go a full month without losing an article of clothing.
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
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