Well i threw up in my mouth a few times. But i successfully swallowed it. Still going strong.
I seriously think I have a tan line on my stomach from getting a boner while in the taning bed.
when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
I apologize for forcing you to look at my boob when we were high. It was uncalled for
Hey do you have a way to post bail? If not we can hook you up. If a police officer is reading this please ask him and respond in a timely fashion. I am concerned for my imprisoned friend
I poured myself a glass of chocolate chips at some point during the evening.
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
My dad made a joke about you sending me strippers for valentine's day so clearly everything here is normal
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
I'll get tired halfway through and end up passed out at a taco shack honestly
VIVE LA RESISTANCE
Oh god, what now?
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
Sex on the trampoline with your two best friends cheering you on: PRICELESS.
I'm currently using a band-aid to cover my bar stamp from last night while I ask my professor for an extension. That's a sign of getting more responsible, right?
Randomize
