I don't even know what he looks like, all i've seen of him is his dick
the rest of him looks just as crooked
Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
I had a dream last night that you and me were eating cheesecake and according to my FATHER I was moaning really loud in my sleep. I seriously have issues.
If I don't have herpes this will be the single greatest day of my life
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
Were making Christian mingle accounts. First one to get laid doesn't pay bar tabs for a month.
Challenge accepted. See you in hell.
You told the cop at mobil to keep it real and look both ways before crossing the street.
Had the longest conversation today with a potentially homeless cuban woman about mind control.
I fucked my cousin and caught chlamydia this year. I can't really harbour any illusions about myself anymore.
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
Your english degree would kill itself if it could read that text.
maybe a couloe typos.. noooooooooo big deal
Just so you know, it is really hard to rehydrate when everything is spiked with everclear.
Hey
Gfdhklhgfxzyuikl$
GODDAMNIT WHY AM I MISSING THIS
Randomize
