Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
Exactly. I don't do penetration on the first date. Blowjobs however are perfectly acceptable.
I encourage the greeting beej. It determines if the dick is worth keeping around.
I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
This Girl Got Ghosted By Her BF Of 5 Years While On A Trip They Took For Her Birthday
i decided i am going on the Justin Bobby plan for success. Don't cut my hair for a year, don't shave for a month, land Audrina Patridge. Game on.
I'm at the bass pro shop. They have a river full of trout and turtles, a shooting range, a full bar, and the patriots cheerleaders are here. I now understand why people are rednecks. I may never leave
Yeah we can't find him. He left a note saying he left and isn't that drunk with what appears to be an attempt at the quadratic formula for proof. He also wrote down his number and left his phone by the note
no one could get around him on the stairs cause he surrounded himself with all the empties he could find, he said he was building a fort. then he passed out on them.
we've decided whoever is stupid enough to use the condom that's tacked to the wall deserves to get pregnant.
People Are Applauding Chrissy Teigen For Getting Candid About Breast-Pumping
We've completely outdone ourselves. We packaged a collective total of six grams of pot and salvia into little bowl-sized tinfoil capsules. It's totally impossible to tell which is which without comparing, every Friday from now on we pick one out and see what the fuck happens
Now the circle is complete. Just interviewed a guy who was a higher up member of the team I worked for in my job before this place
I'm just gonna go with where the wind takes me. if it takes me to his dick, so be it.
I should have listened to my dad and mean girls... If you have sex you'll get pregnant and die.
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
Dilemma. I'm out of wine and I can't put on clothes to go to the liquor store bc I just got spray tanned. If this isnt white girl problems I don't know what is.
Randomize
