There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
whats the weirdest thing you ever masturbated to?
Some kid in my class just puked in his backpack, zipped up the backpack, put the backpack on and walked out the door.
It was literally the size of a half eaten tic tac.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
I don't think requesting him as a BBM contact is proper protocol following vomming in his bed.
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused
DOMA is dead. I'm definitely going to be the last of our friends to get married now.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
You forgot the part where I played Slip and Slide with my own puke and fucked up my knee.
Fucked her on the patio while some dude drove by on a mower. He waved. Twice.
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
All I found in my purse this morning was 160 cigarettes and a fistful of confetti.
We turned a wake into a bar crawl.
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often