I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
If the first sentence isn't something about weed or the nature of choclate I'm skipping class.
I walked home with an awkward asain couple. There was a language barrier but I think we're friends now.
Remind me never to take that much Vicodin ever again. I laid in bed measuring my heart rate for an hour and a half because I was afraid it would stop.
She asked me to head butt her and after half a bottle of whiskey that seemed reasonable.
She's like an enigma, wrapped in a riddle, tossed in miller light, inside a question. Nobody can explain a Heather.
Ps I'm glad our relationship hasn't progressed into having to get married so we legally can't testify against each other
I ate icecream cake off your tits for my birthday, if that's not love I don't know what is.
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
Do you hit a new low in life when you have to carry around a puke bag in your purse when you're hungover?
I'm pretty sure our sex is better than most foods and that says a lot too bc I really like food
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
The clothing optional portion of the night began around midnight. Then we did disgusting things to each other. It was beautiful.
Remember those two guys in our frat that would no homo everything? I just got an invitation to their wedding.
Apparently I have a "problem" because I enjoy doing bong rips in the shower
Randomize
