Oh, I made pasta salad in the throw up bowl. I hope you don't need that for the next few days.
there was this guy running across campus barefoot in the pouring rain stepping in all the puddles. i want his life. and i want to be stripper.
My patience ran out after you started clapping at the strippers everytime they took off a piece of clothing.
Between the plague n the counterfeit drugs we brought back from mexico I'm not thinking too highly of their country right now. Screw mexican homeless men.
i wish it would rain vodka just once. i have not puked yet bring it on
Bitch looked at my dick and said "I thought they called you horsecock, I'm already disappointed"
I told you that line would get her home never said it was a good idea
He followed me on twitter after I posted a drunk screen shot of a tweet. It's like he gave me permission to stalk him on a whole different level.
Would 7 layered rainbow jello shots entice you?
We just broke my bed mid-sex, laughed, then continued. If that isn't true love I don't know what is.
I woke up with your vibrator in my face
You kept screaming, "Fuck her right in the personality" and then kissed a guy and slapped him across the face
I found the guy I hooked up with last night on Wikipedia, at least now I know how old he is.
Today is going to be a great day. He just brought me a donut on his dick... It's Sticky Dick Donut Day!!!
the only things my left hand does: catch/hold things and masturbation.
About to go make a man out of a 24 year old boy
As I shove my ninth taquito of the day into my mouth...
Picking our battles
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